Jokes
Click here to buy REPUBLICAN BASTARDS the novel
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Jokes Click here to buy REPUBLICAN BASTARDS the novel
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One Day in the Future One day in the future, former one-term President George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of cold water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." The devil opened the third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this all in and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go." REPUBLICAN ANNOUNCEMENT THE REPUBLICANS ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THEY ARE CHANGING THEIR EMBLEM TO A CONDOM BECAUSE IT MORE CLEARLY REFLECTS THE PARTY'S POLITICAL STANCE WHY A CONDOM STANDS UP TO INFLATION HALTS PRODUCTION DESTROYS THE NEXT GENERATION PROTECTS A BUNCH OF PRICKS GIVES YOU A SENSE OF SECURITY WHILE IT'S SCREWING YOU U.S. MARINES I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power in January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism, as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time. I saw 21 marines in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton. "EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM MISSED." (Thanks Bob) NEWS BULLETIN: The Republican National Committee announced today that it has abandoned plans to carve George W. Bush's likeness into Mount Rushmore. THERE JUST WASN'T ROOM FOR TWO MORE FACES. "IMPORTANCE" An airplane was about to crash: there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball player ever. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die.." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States. I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history. America's people won't let me die." So he put a pack on his back nearest to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten-year old school boy and cub scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for each of us. America's cleverest President has taken my school backpack." * * * * * How does Osama Bin Laden go through the Mountains? September 4, 2001 from RZ (via email) The teacher says, "Whoever answers the question I ask first and correctly, can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever - that answer's mine." The teacher asked, "Who said, 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie, you can go." Johnny was mad, Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go. Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'Ask Not What Our Country Can Do For You?" Again, before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." "That's right," the teacher said, "You may go Nancy." Johnny was fuming, Nancy had answered first. As the teacher sat down, Johnny uttered, "I wish these bitches had kept their mouths shut." The teacher was shocked asking, "Who said that?" Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!" ****** TRAGEDY President George W. Bush visited a 4th grade elementary school class. The class was having a discussion relating words to their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the President asked the class for an example of the word "tragedy". A little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No", says Bush, "That would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not", explained the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room went silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone who can give me an example of a tragedy." Finally, in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raised his hand. The teacher gulp's but says nothing. In a quiet voice Johnny says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Correct", exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well, Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS." ****** Which video to buy? Hmmmmmm.... TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part,
Jack enjoys a good cigar. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches rose to spit.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of
her life. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on vessel full of
seamen. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
The end. ****** AND GOD CREATED VIRGINIA Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will very cold and covered with ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Washington, D.C." ****** President Bush's trip to England President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matched horses. As they ride towards Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets...I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control!" George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
DEMOCRAT IN TEXAS ?? While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year-old Texas rancher, a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, he's dying up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down." (My Thanks to Don in Virginia) |